I'm Not For Everyone

SATURDAY, MAY 2, 2009

I'd Rather Not

I keep seeing ads on television for The Nation of Why Not. From the sounds of it, NOWN's plutocracy truly wants me to become a citizen of its buoyant little nation. They've been taunting me for weeks with their seafaring rhetoric.

"Do you have what it takes to be a citizen of our nation? And will you solemnly swear to start every day by asking: "Why not?"

Declare your independence.

Royal Caribbean. The Nation of Why Not?"

I mean, I have to hand it to them. The ads make it look sort of fun in a Lord of the Flies meets Senor Frogs kind of way. And who doesn't consider himself a bit of a would-be maverick--thumbing a sun-burnt nose at boring traditions and roads most traveled?

After a few of the ads I was genuinely inspired to ask myself, "Seriously...Why not?"

Now that I'm looking at the NOWN's official website and not being bamboozled by some glossy, over-produced television spot featuring unbelievably beautiful people doing unbelievably terrific things, I'm pretty sure I have a handle on why not.

Take for instance, this little scene I'd like to refer to as, the 9th Circle of Hell:

What exactly is going on here? Are those blow-up icebergs drifting in front of the boat? Is that really an image you want to conjure up? And as much as I'd love to attend First Mate McGinty's "We don't have enough of these to go around, so what I suggest is that you hide these under your beds" lifejacket demonstration, I think I'll pass.

You really can't blame that dude in the distance for trying to make a break for it.

Especially after enduring this kaleidoscopic tragedy:

Now let me just go on the record as saying that I too have been known to make impulsive and oftentimes injurious apparel choices. And I understand that the NOWN's handbook encourages freedom of expression. And I know that as soon as people hear the words Cruise Ship they're compelled to purchase Hawaiian prints and visors.

But I think Marv and Donna may have taken the "We will cast off the conventions of life on land," tenet a bit too far.

The more I scrolled through the site, and the deeper I dove into the Nation of Why Not, the more I realized that I would rather have someone ram hot pokers underneath my fingernails while simultaneously lighting my hair on fire than climb aboard any sort of cruise ship. Especially one from this particular fleet.

And from the sour looks on these two NOWN Citizen's faces, I'm not alone.