Friday, August 28, 2009

The Long Wait


So I'm back in school again. For the first time in 16 years. I'm trying to become a nurse.
Because no one else is doing that right now.


Below is what happens when I sit in a boring psych class and start thinking about the empty houses dotting the street where I now live--- (wait for it...)---with my parents. I didn't take any notes on that blowhard Freud. But I did write this blog about a spider I spotted while wandering through one of five empty homes in this cul-de-sac, which I just found out means 'blind alley'.


Go figure.


The writing is rusty and aimless. But then, so am I.

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I’ve been hanging around in this corner for some time now. Not sure how long really, as the people haven’t shown up with their couches, their cutlery or their calendars. It may have been a week. Could have been a month. Your guess is as good as mine.

The last person to grace these now dusty halls left a trail of muddy boot-prints from foyer to fridge. The big man with the starched white shirt and worn blue jeans sat on the bottom step of that staircase, just over there, his jaw hung on his thumbs, battered index fingers cupping his nose in a little steeple.

This is the church. These are the people. Open it up, and here’s all the people.

He never really said it out loud, but I know he was wishing for the people. Or one person… to buy this house. He has other houses on this street. They haven’t sold yet either. I know because he used to come here with his outdated adding machine and clackety-clack-clack-clack his way into the souless corners of night…crunching numbers and muttering at his blueprints and bank statements until the automatic sprinklers sprung to life in the early dawn.

He doesn’t do that anymore.

And so I sit on these silk strands. And I wait. And stare at the footprints as they flirt and fade with dancing dust motes.

This house waits too. It doesn’t quite know what to do with itself. The refrigerator enthusiastically hums and the air-conditioning faithfully churns and the electricity relentlessly electrifies. But no one is around to be wowed by it or care. Or admire the new Berber carpet on the stairs which I never really liked anyway but nobody asked my opinion.

I’m a rather silent and uninspiring audience. The house has made it quite clear that it is most certainly not here for me. And still.

On Monday it rained, and the bay window facing the front lawn buckled under the pressure and started to leak. As it wept, I traversed the mind-numbingly boring expanse of eggshell paint to sip and “survey the area,” as the big man would have said.

It doesn’t look good. Not good at all. The people, or the one person, who will come to see this house will not be pleased when he steps through that front door and sees this mess. I drank as much as I could, but I’m not that large. I barely made a dent in that vast pool.

Perhaps it will evaporate before the people come. Maybe the floor will dry and the ring on the wood will fade and it will be just as pretty as it was when the boiterous team of sun-scorched men nailed it down a year, (or was it only two months?) ago.

I guess I’ll just sit here.

And wait.
-Tara Callahan

Saturday, May 2, 2009

SATURDAY, MAY 2, 2009

I'd Rather Not

I keep seeing ads on television for The Nation of Why Not. From the sounds of it, NOWN's plutocracy truly wants me to become a citizen of its buoyant little nation. They've been taunting me for weeks with their seafaring rhetoric.

"Do you have what it takes to be a citizen of our nation? And will you solemnly swear to start every day by asking: "Why not?"

Declare your independence.

Royal Caribbean. The Nation of Why Not?"

I mean, I have to hand it to them. The ads make it look sort of fun in a Lord of the Flies meets Senor Frogs kind of way. And who doesn't consider himself a bit of a would-be maverick--thumbing a sun-burnt nose at boring traditions and roads most traveled?

After a few of the ads I was genuinely inspired to ask myself, "Seriously...Why not?"

Now that I'm looking at the NOWN's official website and not being bamboozled by some glossy, over-produced television spot featuring unbelievably beautiful people doing unbelievably terrific things, I'm pretty sure I have a handle on why not.

Take for instance, this little scene I'd like to refer to as, the 9th Circle of Hell:













What exactly is going on here? Are those blow-up icebergs drifting in front of the boat? Is that really an image you want to conjure up? And as much as I'd love to attend First Mate McGinty's "We don't have enough of these to go around, so what I suggest is that you hide these under your beds" lifejacket demonstration, I think I'll pass.

You really can't blame that dude in the distance for trying to make a break for it.

Especially after enduring this kaleidoscopic tragedy:



Now let me just go on the record as saying that I too have been known to make impulsive and oftentimes injurious apparel choices. And I understand that the NOWN's handbook encourages freedom of expression. And I know that as soon as people hear the words Cruise Ship they're compelled to purchase Hawaiian prints and visors.




But I think Marv and Donna may have taken the "We will cast off the conventions of life on land," tenet a bit too far.


The more I scrolled through the site, and the deeper I dove into the Nation of Why Not, the more I realized that I would rather have someone ram hot pokers underneath my fingernails while simultaneously lighting my hair on fire than climb aboard any sort of cruise ship. Especially one from this particular fleet.

And from the sour looks on these two NOWN Citizen's faces, I'm not alone.




-Tara Callahan